Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Deep depression is embodied emotional suffering.  It is not simply a state of mind or a negative view of life but something that affects our physical being as well ~ The Depression Epidemic.

During a conference with John MacArthur, influential pastor John Piper described some of the darkest hours of his life and ministry, saying that for a long period of time—months or years—he wept every day.  He even wrote a book about dealing with depression.  In stark contrast, John MacArthur commented that he had never been depressed in his life.  Both different experiences and dispositions, yet both are mighty men of God.

I was glad that John Piper has been open about his depression battle – sadly, it is often scorned at in Christian circles, leaving many internalizing their anguish and suffering in silence.  Yet I can see why there is still stigma attached to depression – it is mysterious and misunderstood.  And from the outside it can look incredibly selfish – why are you depressed? You got it so good…

Yet it’s not that simple.  Severe depression is often beyond description. And when such deep and painful feelings cannot be explained, they cut to the heart of one’s spiritual being [1].

Since my teens I’ve had those periods of inexplicable weeping and unidentifiable emotional pain.  I don’t know where they come from, or why they happen, nor do I want them in my life at all (it’s not enjoyable for me or anyone around me).  But nevertheless they come, often accompanied by insomnia, extreme stomach pains, weariness and such mental and physical fatigue that it’s hard to do anything productive.

Though many people offer various explanations to why a Christian may feel depressed, my personal strong feeling is that most of the time they are attack of the enemy.  I have a lot to give to be of service to others, but when those attacks come I’m completely useless at functioning.

I’ve learned not to feel ashamed or less of a person because of it, but I’ve also learned that it’s incredibly important to not let it overpower me and rule over me.  Although I can’t describe or identify the source of such deep despair, I can choose to overcome it.  I cling to my Creator and Deliverer with all the energy I have left.  I pray with the small words I can.  And although there’s times when I still feel alone, most of the time God’s peace and joy wash over me after a bit of a battle.

I can’t rely on writing (usually a source of release) to help me, I can’t rely on my loved ones to deliver me (even though they are supportive), and I can’t indulge in all sorts of distractions to take depression away.  I’m in need of my Savior’s presence, love and peace.  I need Him to take control of my body and mind and to satisfy my thirst for Him.  I’m just continually in need of my Savior.

“My tears have been my food day and night…Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” ~ Psalm 42.

You may like this blog: Do not let your hearts be troubled.

I read a heart-rending story over at Rachel Held Evans’ blog which I feel so compelled to link up to, as I’m sure the story resonates with many who have been through/going through an addiction, eating disorder, or mental health problems, yet have felt so alone in the midst of their faith community:

Church stories: Facing my brother’s addiction.

An excerpt:

“I’m not sure when my brother died.

It’s tricky because while in some ways he’s very much alive – he breathes, eats, sleeps and has temporal mass –in others he is a walking ghost.

For at least the last decade and arguably several years longer, my baby brother has been an addict. Alcohol, women, opiates – he dabbles in many vices. All of them destructive. All of them expensive in myriads of ways. All of them symptoms of larger problems no professional can seem to accurately assess, diagnose or cure…

We are not a periphery family. My parents were close friends with much of our pastoral staff at the church I grew up in. In the past decade I have been a youth worker at several churches, worked at various faith-based nonprofits, served as a missionary and was a seminary student. The faith community is central to the bedrock of our family.

And yet people of faith have routinely sucked.

I have been told his addiction is my fault, my parent’s fault, Satan’s fault. I have been told I am simply not praying hard enough or I simply do not have enough faith. I have been told my life is too stressful for someone to be in community with me. I have been accused of being a bad youth worker since I couldn’t even keep my brother out of trouble. I have been told this is God’s plan for our family and if we just keep persevering, God’s glory will be known and it will all be worth it. I have been told that my suffering at my brother’s choice is simply “my cross to bear.”

None of that was helpful.

None of that was loving.

None of it was the correct response”.

Do click on the link above and check it out.

Shalom!

Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing” (Psalm 16:1-2).

An addiction, obsession or dependency on a particular ‘thing’ (whether it be alcohol, drugs, sex, food, size 0 figure etc.) can be provoked by numerous and diverse factors, such as stressful circumstances or a dissatisfaction with life.  What starts out as a one-off incident or emotion can snowball into a life-threatening addiction.  Though each individual experience is unique, many addictions begin because of hopelessness or depression, as a means of release from life and circumstances, or to avoid the root of the problem.

There is nothing in the world that will ever satisfy or give us hope and safety as God does.  A high-flying career may give you recognition and the income for a great standard of living, but it doesn’t guarantee immunity from feeling depression and emptiness.  A nice house and classy car could make you the envy of your neighbours and friends, but you will only continue wanting more possessions unless you know the ultimate meaning of your life.

Even when surrounded by our closest friends and family, we can still feel gnawing loneliness because in all sincerity, their love and company is not enough to satisfy our deepest needs.  The greatest blessings in life cannot compete with the sweet presence of God, which is why the Psalmist said: “Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing” (Psalm 16:1-2).  The times when I feel the greatest anguish are those when I feel God is silent, because God’s presence is the ultimate joy and without His love and direction, I’m lost.

Finding release or temporary satisfaction through certain substances or activities won’t remove a problem or negative feeling.  They become addictions and dependencies which only become like a living nightmare as you lose your grip of control and war rages in your mind.  No matter what trial or temptation you are facing, God’s presence is a refuge in which you can find rest and joy: “In your presence is fullness of joy; At your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11).

Though life doesn’t go according to your plan…though people hurt, reject, disappoint or don’t love you as much as you want to be loved…though you’ve just relapsed…don’t fear and don’t be dismayed.  God desires to carry and comfort you when you are weak, hopeless, angry or lonely: “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:30-31). 

Here’s a lovely piece called Footprints which beautifully expresses God’s comfort and care:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.  Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.  In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.  Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there were one set of footprints.  This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints.  So I said to the Lord, “You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.  But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?” The Lord replied, “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you.”

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade” (1 Peter 1:3-4). 

I had so much to write in this post today, but I just couldn’t “put pen to paper”.  I was carrying a load and had nothing within me left to say.  So I’ll let this beautiful and simple song by Michael W. Smith say it all. Peace!

“I was lost when you found me here
You pulled me close and held me near
And I’m a fool but still you love
I’ll be your fool for the king of love

He gave me wings so I could fly
And gave me a song to color the sky
And all I have is all from you
And all I want is all of you

It’s grace, grace
I’m nothing without you
Grace, your grace
Shines on me

And there’ve been days when I’ve walked away
Too much to carry
Nothing left to say
Forgive me Lord when I’m weak and lost
You traded heaven for a wooden cross

And all these years you’ve carried me
You’ve been my eyes when I could not see
And beauty grows in the driving rain
Your oil of gladness in the times of pain

It’s grace, your grace
I’m nothing without you
Grace, your grace
Shines on me
Your grace, your grace
I’m nothing without you…”

(p.s. Thanks to my friend, Shirley, for first introducing me to this song!)

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:11).

There are a lot of misconceptions about eating disorders out there, and it’s still not something that is well understood by society.  This can make it more painful and lonely for those who are struggling with it.

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings” (1 Peter 5:8-9).

I have been there and I know what you’re going through.  You’re not weak. You’re not selfish. You’re not worthless.  And you are not alone in this.  Don’t give up, because your fellow Christians who have struggled with the same thing understand.  And God is able to restore you.

Even when your family doesn’t understand…God understands what you’re going through.

Even when your spouse doesn’t understand…God understands.

Even when your friends don’t understand…God understands.

And so do your family of believers who have struggled with an eating disorder.

Please, if you need encouragement and support, don’t hesitate to be in contact.  You can post a comment or you can make use of the contact form by clicking on the Contact tab.  Also visit www.freedomfromed.com which has some recovery stories which could be of encouragement to you.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:8).  

We’re told in the Bible that God will never leave us or forsake us.  At times, though, the presence of God seems so distant that we believe we can’t feel Him around us.  When times of trouble come and the rain is falling heavily, we can’t even make out that voice telling us that He loves us.  We can’t feel the warmth of His love letting us know He is there.  The song lyric by Casting Crowns sums it up so well, “And as the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain, ‘I’m with you’”.

For most of my time as an anorexic I could only hear the voice of the enemy telling me why I had to starve myself, because I was not good enough as my natural self (so the lie was).  But God was there the whole time; I just didn’t look unto Him.  But then He came to me and brought me inner peace and the truth about how beautiful and loved I am in His eyes.

There are times when loneliness becomes so intense that it is painful.  But if we listen carefully and quietly, God is whispering through our rain, our pain, our hurt, our loneliness, our rejection, our sadness.  He is telling us that He loves us.

Life does not always go the way we want it to or expect it to.  There are seasons of rain.  When you struggle to feel God’s presence through the tough and lonely times, offer even just a mustard seed of faith to God and have hope that He will restore you, fix you and bring you joy:

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Saviour” (Habakkuk 3:17-18).

The Lord sees every tear you cry (Psalm 56:8).  And He is with you.  When God said He will never leave you or forsake you it was not a lie.  He loves you with an everlasting, immeasurable love:

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).